Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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