Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
