Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
