Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
