Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
