So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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