Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
