On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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