Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
