i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
