I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
