this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
