If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
