you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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