god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
