I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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