Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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