i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she peed on how many people?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
