MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
