That's when you crack a 10am beer
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
