he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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