I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
