I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
