fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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