You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize