This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
