apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
