You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
