ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
