i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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