I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
