Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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