...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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