I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
