Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
