Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I need water and some morals
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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