Sober January is a disaster.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize