I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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