You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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