I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
