listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
