My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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