I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
