a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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