you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize