you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
