Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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