If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
