i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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