she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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