There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
There's always time for handjobs
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
