As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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