just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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