Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
