Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
