Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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