One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
