oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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