I need to stop coming to work sober
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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