so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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