Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
